Recently, a funeral home I work with asked if I could meet with one of their past clients, who I’ll call Sharon. At age 72, she had arranged final services for her partner of 20 years, settled the estate, then promptly got stuck in the grief process.

Quite often, when still confused and dismayed about their loved one’s passing, bereaved without a support network will revisit the funeral home to chat with the funeral directors who first comforted them while making arrangements.

Subsequent to the loss of her friend, Sharon had moved into another apartment with a friend but couldn’t settle. Every day she hopped into her car and drove. It didn’t matter where. And when she got where she thought she wanted to go, she still felt unsettled and had to drive somewhere else, never finding what she was looking for and finally collapsing exhausted into bed in the early hours of the morning.

Although I didn’t participate pastorally in her partner’s final disposition (it was a simple cremation with no service), after four months of this behaviour, despite attending and rejecting group bereavement meetings sponsored by the funeral home, the manager of the home recommended she see me, and offered to pay for the sessions.

THE TRAGEDY

Sharon had dropped off her partner of 20 years to the hospital for an unremarkable lung biopsy under general anaesthesia. Following the procedure, the physician was unable to rouse her and despite calling a Code Blue where the full medical might of the hospital was brought to bear at a run, they were unable to revive her.

My client meanwhile, had returned to the hospital that afternoon fully expecting to pick up her partner and drive her home for some pampering. Imagine her shock when told her life partner was, completely unexpectedly, dead.

She held her head up though, made the final arrangements, moved into a more affordable apartment and was prepared to go on ... until she found she just couldn’t settle.

The unsettled part Sharon was stuck in was the guilt phase of grief recovery, with her feeling unworthy being in a nice apartment with a friend while her partner of over two decades had her life suddenly cut short.

Our intake meeting was close to 2 hours before she was more relaxed, and we agreed to meet in another four days. We had talked briefly about creative visualization and Sharon was looking forward to learning how to relax herself.

2nd SESSION

Arriving early, Sharon indicated she was still very unsettled and spent her days in the car driving around, but was eager to change her approach.

Taking her down 10 steps to a favourite beach she wanted to revisit, she responded to eye catalepsy and arm raising, was deepened twice more and we were able to quickly create numbness on the back of her right hand, a little convincer technique I picked up from from hypnosis master Gerry Kein.

Lounging on her beach chair with positive metaphors, I eventually suggested she would happily sense her partner in the lounger beside her just the way she affectionately remembered her, and led her through a conversation where she said the unsaid things she wanted to say to her partner, and hear or sense her partner respond.

The smile on her face confirmed she was happily enjoying the experience and as has become my habit in grief recovery, suggested that it was never goodbye but instead see you later. I suggested that as in life when her partner wasn’t standing in front of her, that she could talk to her partner any time she wanted in the the same way she always did.

The suggestions encompassed the thought that although her partner was in a different place, like a student in life, she had graduated to continue her existence in another place. Even so, I suggested that neither were lost to each other, but could enjoy a continuing relationship with each other.

Bringing her back to full awareness after embedding modified Hartland ego enhancement suggestions, Sharon happily opened her eyes and hugged herself contentedly in her chair.

I said we’d regress to the original sensitizing event next time, and when she came back for her next appointment, Sharon was almost panicking about revisiting her earlier days.

Ya godda love Hollywood and the Internet for blowing truth out of the water so I asked Sharon to close her eyes, concentrate, and describe what she had for lunch yesterday. She thought about it, told me, then I said, “So how do you feel right now?” She said fine, why?

With a smile, I told her I’d just regressed her.

Her look of shock gave way to confusion, then thought, then a smile came to her face, but then disappeared as the rest of the story came out.

THE ISE

As an infant, Sharon was adopted as an only child, had been sexually abused and subsequently turned to her own gender for relationship comfort in the days when same-sex relationships were not discussed in polite company.

She spent close to a decade as a “raging alcoholic” as she put it, and had also lost  a previous partner of nine years to cancer. AA was a lifesaver for her and she hadn’t had a drink in close to a quarter of a century.

Why didn’t all that come out in the intake? Sometimes clients will only tell you more as they gain more trust in you. We quite often have people relate more details of life events in their second or even third session that can sometimes completely change the hypno-therapeutic landscape.

On this day though, despite my explanation of regression, Sharon made it quite clear that in no way, shape or form did she want to revisit any of the years containing those memories.

Remember that we can’t make a client do anything they wouldn't ordinarily do in a waking state, and if she believed going to the ISE was going to cause mental anguish, no matter how capable we are nullifying the emotions or pain surrounding an ISE, I couldn’t go against the client’s specific directions, and instead opted for “lighter” regression.

Specifically, while in full beta, I asked Sharon to remember some deeply comforting times with her partner, ones that still resonated with her. It was easy for her to describe when in times of life strife her partner would put her arms around her and reassure her that everything was going to be ok.

Guiding her into theta, I asked Sharon to remember and vividly experience those comforting times, how they felt, the sense of reassurance they invoked, how physically and mentally calm she felt afterwards and the peace that came over her during those times.

We then compounded and embedded those positive feelings and tied them to post-hypnotic suggestions anchored to a touch of the thumb and first finger so she could experience them any time she chose.

DIFFERENT TYPES OF REGRESSION

We are trained to go to the ISE for effective and lasting issue resolution, but sometimes the client prohibits that and any attempts to try “sneak” by the client will not be successful.

As an example, at one point I asked the ego state responsible for Sharon’s feelings to come forward to help us. Parts Negotiation is one of my favourite and most effective techniques, but with Sharon, the Part made a reluctant and largely unresponsive appearance.

Instead, I went directly to the superconscious and asked, as we do in past life techniques, if it was appropriate to take a journey to the ISE at this time.

Despite being very deep in somnambulism, it’s worth noting her NO finger responded immediately. Hence, to help the client in the shorter term, I had no choice but to use direct suggestion to compound and anchor emotional responses based on recent positive experiences.

That approach will work effectively and allow the grief process to  progress naturally (we never interrupt or change the naturally occurring grief process with hypnosis), and perhaps her pleasant experience with “lighter” regression would open her mind to deeper exploration down the road.

Similarly, some smokers want to cut down but not quit (recognize that reduction is a legitimate step on the way to complete cessation) as will those coming to us for weight loss but who only want to lose “some” weight.

Regardless, Sharon swears I “cured” her and is now becoming more content with life rather than being driven to run from her emotions.

Sometimes, in the best interests of the client, we have to take what we can get rather than striving for textbook expectations, but you’d be surprised how many clients return for more work after an interval when treated with respect and empathy from the outset.

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Article Researched/Written by Rev. Timothy Jones, OB,
and Published in NGH’s JOURNAL OF HYPNOTISM
In CSIG’s “DEEPENINGS” column

(Updated 2024)

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